16 May 2014

Hit by a truck

Teased into believing I actually felt better, I had grand plans for the week.
Aside from the usuals, I added a mammogram and a gastroenterology appointment and a therapist appointment into the mix. 

So, when the Caregiver's glasses broke this morning, the stress sent me to the place of no return.
Stress paralyzes me.
I walk back into the house after getting little H on the bus and am flooded with stress. No matter what room I peer into, things are screaming at me. 
Fold me ... Basket of towels in the family room
Vacuum me ... Hall, foyer, steps, family room.
I'm smothering ... Dining room table, littered with papers and books and cords and cups.
Wipe me ... (Not that kind of wipe me) counters in the kitchen.
Get me some milk ... Fridge is screaming.
And my kids aren't even home.
All this yelling is from the things that can't even really speak.
Defeated, I head upstairs to my sanctuary. Haha, sanctuary. If your house if like mine everything that "doesn't have a home" ends up in the master bedroom. Some sanctuary. 
I'm going back to bed. 
This is the balancing act of my life with CML.
Things I want to do, things I used to do, I no longer have the energy for. As time goes on and as my body adjusts to the side effects of the Super Dangerous but Absolutely Necessary chemotherapy pills, I'm told I'll have more energy. I'm told I'll be able to do more. And I  believe it. Because I have been feeling good lately. So good that my schedule is filling up again and now I'm "doing too much."
My body yells at me, too. 
I start to run a low-grade fever. 
I start to ache more.
I start to get snarky (snarkier, I guess) with my family. Why are we the nastiest with the ones we love the most? I hate that. Hate that I do that. Someone very wise once told me, 
"Treat the ones you love the most as if they were strangers."  
Best advice I've ever gotten. One of the toughest things to practice.
So, I continue to plan my day. Continue to plan events - whether it's watching my daughter kick ass in varsity tennis or taking the van to get an oil change. And although I continue to plan, I must be ready to listen and hear what my body tells me. Because I do have cancer. I do have CML. And I may end up in bed. Even when I don't want to.

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