My freak out over banana bread

We downsized and moved to a small house we call The Small Cottage. 
Six of our 7 kids have moved out of the house. They are either at university or out in the world. We are SO proud of them. But miss them terribly.
Well, we haven't given them a key to The Small Cottage, so there's that.
We moved because of my health. Stairs are difficult. A big house is difficult. I couldn't keep up. 
So, the move is sad because I no longer hear all the chatter from the kids (the one kid left doesn't make much chatter), and the move is sad because my health couldn't take living in a 3800 sq. foot house any more. 
We're feeling settled in. Familiar pictures are up; furniture is arranged; "stuff" is out where it's supposed to be.
My stacking doll collection is arranged on the shelf. My card collection is in it's place.

I thought, "Hey, we're moved in."

Then I walked into the kitchen and saw my bananas.
I have a killer banana bread recipe. I've been using it since 1994.
Where is it? I start to literally panic. It lives in my special recipe book. But I don't know where it is. So much sadness. I will have to throw the bananas away. I will not use another recipe. Only mine.
Ugh. My dramatic panic starts.
Then Child #5 walks in (today's her birthday, by the way, she turns 20).

"I know where the recipe book is."

No way no way no way no way! 
And sure enough, she went to her room (where all the unpacked boxes live), and came back with my magic recipe book.
It was all there. All of it. All the clippings. The one's from my mom, who died years ago. The ones from my dear friends. 
Like Grandma Janet's banana bread.
So, we're going to make banana bread today.
But the best feeling was walking into the kitchen this morning and seeing that book on the counter. It felt so good.
It feels like I'm home.

A Love letter ❤️

My dearest Otto,

I know that’s not your real name, but I’ve become so accustomed to calling you Otto, I think it’s stuck.

My tests results are back and they are perfect!

• My blood is 100% yours
• My immune system is 100% yours
• There is no evidence of disease (NED) anywhere in my bone marrow or labs.

I hesitate to say that we may just have beaten this damn cancer.  It’s been 2.8 years since my bone marrow transplant. The transplant team says if the cancer is going to come back, it usually comes back in the first 5 years. We haven’t had any big setbacks yet. I’m trying to be careful and nurture and appreciate your precious gift of golden cells. 

That’s what they look like when they are infused - a little bag of gold. 

I want to thank you for your precious gift that saved my life. 

• My husband, the Caregiver, we’ve been married 16 years now. That’s thanks to you. 
• Our 7 children were terrified, 6 of whom already lost a parent to cancer, this horrible, awful disease. (We we’re each married before.)  The thought I wouldn’t survive scared them so much. But I am alive, and thriving, thanks to you.
• My friends have been such an amazing support during my cancer fight. Stepping up to be Mom and Caregiver when needed. And it was needed a lot! And it’s seeming like I’ve won. That’s thanks to you.
• 3 of my daughters have graduated from college and are in the real world, making life work on their own. I thought I wouldn’t get to see that, but I did! That’s thanks to you. 
• Our youngest daughter has special needs, learning difficulties. She needs extra care. I get to help her. That’s thanks to you.

Sweet Otto, I could go on and on. But I know you will need to translate this to German. I just need you to know how special you are in my heart, in my husbands’ heart, in my kids’ heart. We consider you a member of our family - your blood pumps through my veins. 

Ich danke dir sear

Ich liebe dich

Patti

Out of control

It's finally happened.
The moment of parenting we've been working toward since day one.
Six of our 7 children are now living on their own. As in, not home with me. Not right down the hall. I feel like I am un-tethered.

Out of control. 

That I can't keep all my plates spinning, up in the air.  

Like I've got no purpose. 

That I'm wandering ... Aimlessly. And no one would notice if I teetered off the edge.  

I don't know why I feel that no one would notice. Based on all the comments and notes and prayers, lots of people would notice.

I feel loved.
But isolated.

Time is moving slowly. Not being marked by any significant event. 

I have a paltry "to do" list littered with insignificant items, at best, because The Caregiver and my doctors don't want me to push too hard and relapse. That could land me in bed for days.

Sitting still is hard.

Exodus 14:14 says to "Be Still."

Easier said than done.

My 2.5 year Day of Testing

I had a bone marrow transplant 2.5 years ago. November of 2015.
That's a long time ago.
I went to my 2.5 checkup and my "Day of Testing" last week. I have to wait 2 more weeks before I get the results.

My "Day of Testing" included:
- a bone marrow biopsy (hurt like hell)
- a chest CT
- a pulmonary function test (so hard makes me cry)
- blood gas draw (that hurts)
- blood draw of 25 tubes (awesome)
- and, of course, vitals

What will all this tell me? I won't know for 2 weeks. The doctor will probably tell me that my results are all fine and still show as "No Evidence of Disease." NED. He's been my friend so far.

The problem is I'm on pins and needles waiting for my results. This is the longest 2 weeks EVER.
I know God's in control. I know he's got this. He hasn't let me down yet.

Lamentations 3:25-26  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,  to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord