Yep, I blew it ... again

Someone come get my Mommy card.

Today's Good Friday. The day's name puzzles me still. I get that it's good Christ died for me. Christ dying on the cross for me and YOU is crucial to what I believe. But calling the day Christ died good feels wrong. 

So, yes, it's Good Friday.
Or, from my corner, it's "I didn't mail the Easter care packages to our college girls yet and now it's officially too late." They aren't going to get a lovely, fun, yummy and full of goodies package from me.

It was the Caregiver's idea to write this on my wrists.

They weren't planning to come home for Easter. The 20-year-old is at Auburn University (War Eagle!) and will be in Atlanta with some sorority sisters. The 19-year-old is at Lynchburg College (it's a great day to be a Hornet!) and will be in D.C. with her roommate. 

I love it when all our kids are home. It happens rarely now. These two are so far out the proverbial door only their heels are still inside.

They will both have a nice Easter and a fun weekend. But since they aren't going to be home, I've been planning to send them each a box filled with chocolate bunnies, Peeps and peanut butter eggs. And other things college girls need. Toothpaste, shampoo, an ankle brace, pictures drawn by the littlest sister, etc.
Now it's too late. It's Good Friday. It's not going to happen. I haven't even bought anything.

Damn cancer.

Yes, I blame the cancer. CML (chronic myelogenous leukemia) has messed everything up. It's taken my energy, a lot of our money and my ability to think clearly (chemo brain is real). I can't do what I want to do and it pisses me off. I already ask for - and get - help from all angles. But making Easter packages for our college girls is something I wanted to do. It's important that I pick things out. That I pack the box. That I put my love into the box.
I thought I could get it done.
I was wrong.
And now I blew it. It's too late.
The girls? They'll be mad that I'm feeling badly about not sending their boxes. They'll tell me "it's OK" and "isn't what really matters."
It's not like they will be sitting alone in their dorm rocking in the corner because their mommy didn't send them an Easter package.
They are awesome and I love them.
They'll get their boxes ... eventually. But I'm bummed I didn't get it done for Easter.
Christ at the cross is all about forgiveness. Christ will always comfort and forgive when we ask.
Why can't I forgive myself?

Simple Guy: a guest post by the Caregiver

Lyrics from Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Simple Man."

Mike Moonis, the Caregiver, is one awesome husband. Today, I offer a view from where he sits. You can follow him on Twitter 

here or Facebook here.

I’m just a simple guy. 

I like meat and potatoes, even if it’s just a hot dog and French fries.  I don’t like to think too much. If too many thoughts get in my head at one time, I get mixed up and I have to cull out some ideas just to get a handle on things. I think a lot of guys fall into this category. NOT ALL.

Some intellectual types, some well versed fellows and the worldly traveler dudes appear to be able to sip on a glass of 20-year-old scotch and debate the ins and outs of the literary works of 18^th century authors like Jonathan Swift or Samuel Johnson (yeah, I had to Google them). 

Not me. I only want to know if anyone can beat Hank Aaron or Babe Ruth’s home run record (without having an asterisk next to their name). 

On the other hand, most of the women I have the pleasure of interacting with on a daily basis DO NOT fall into the “simple mind” category.

For example, my wife, (yes, Chemo Brain herself) finds it amusing to sit there while I’m trying to relax (getting a hockey score or two) and pelt my ears with heavy question after heavy question.

"Did you know what happened to Helen in school today?” 

“Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment at 12:30. Can you take me?”

“When you’re not busy, could you read this article I saw on Facebook about what you get when you pour molten aluminum into an ant hill?”

These are all solid questions, which I should hear and spend the appropriate amount of time contemplating (well maybe not the ant hill one, but it was interesting).

but not all at once.

Not in the amount of time it takes for my coat to leave my shoulders and hit the floor. Oh yeah, I went there. We simple guys need time to process our thoughts. Time to order our thoughts into some semblance of importance and, only then, take one individually and process each subject to its end. 

But, Chemo Brain is firing off questions faster than a Gatling gun. Cranking off thought after thought until my brain is riddled with meaningful questions. Now her thoughts are mixed up with my own questions. 

“Who is going to play 3rd base for the Yankees next year?”  

"Are Tim and Tickle going to get their MASH to the STILL in time?” 

“I wonder how long it’s gonna take for her to call me out for the coat on the floor thing?”

There seems to be no hope for me. Simple Guys need simple instructions to make it through the day. The Bible is a complex read, yet, once you break it down into smaller chunks, things become crystal clear. Narrowing down your focus to simple truths will bring all your questions to a simple and manageable result. 

“So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong.”  1Kings 3:9A

“Blessed are the poor in spirit … Blessed are those who mourn … Blessed are the meek … Blessed are those who hunger … Blessed are the merciful … Blessed are the pure in heart  … Blessed are the peacemakers  … Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness  … Blessed are you when people insult you  … Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”  Matthew 5:3-12

Simple, right?

Chemo Brain

Not sure this post is actually going to make it today.  I've been trying to coherently formulate thoughts but they all seem to end in a jumbled mess of words. 

I feel like I've got cobwebs in my brain. The cancer community commonly refers to this situation as Chemo Brain.

Yes, Chemo Brain. 

Stop laughing. 

I've compiled a list of 10 things I have learned since finding out I have leukemia.

Today, I'll share with you number 2. You can read about number 1 here.

2. Chemo Brain is real.

I was out recently with some amazing people from my awesome church (Patti's awesome church). While waiting for our dessert and coffee, they asked how I was doing and how my treatment was going. I explained that I take my Super Dangerous but Absolutely Necessary chemotherapy pills twice a day. Not a big deal. I say it's not a big deal because I'm not sitting chained to an IV for four hours watching poison drip into my veins.

But I do have to wear gloves when I get the pills out. I also have to stop eating two hours before taking the pills and I can't eat until one hour after taking the pills. Oh, and the two doses need to be 12 hours apart. Still, not a big deal. But, the time was immediately important because I had ordered creme brulee and wanted to make sure I got to enjoy it before my deadline. 

I did. 

It was yummy.

Conversation shifted to what kind of side effects I had with my Super Dangerous but Absolutely Necessary chemotherapy pills. I told them that I'm tired. Really tired. Feel generally crappy. But, trying to lighten the mood,  I laughed and said "Chemo Brian stinks."

They had never heard of chemo brain. They thought I was making it up. 

I'm not. The wise ones at Cancer.org explain it like this: 

For years cancer survivors have worried about, joked about, and been frustrated by the mental cloudiness they sometimes notice before, during, and after cancer treatment. This mental fog is commonly called chemo brain. Patients have been aware of chemo brain for some time, but only recently have studies been done that could help to explain it. 

Though the brain usually recovers over time, the sometimes vague yet distressing mental changes cancer patients notice are real, not imagined. They might last a short time, or they might go on for years. These changes can make people unable to go back to their school, work, or social activities, or make it so that it takes a lot of mental effort to do so.

It's further explained as:

• Forgetting things
• Trouble concentrating
• Trouble remembering
• Trouble multi-tasking
• Taking longer to finish things
• Trouble remembering common words

My husband says it's getting more noticeable with me. Mainly, I seem to have trouble bringing up words. He says I say "you know what I mean?" while trying to explain something or talk about something. And, he says, he always nods yes. Even when he has no clue what I'm talking about. 

He's a good man.